The B-Plan Republican Candidate

This morning the following Transcript was leaked to this writer by a highly placed official attending the Republican National Committee Special Council (RNCSC) on March 15, 2012.

No audio or video recording was permitted. "HCRO" below means "Hard Copy Record Only."

All certified text by Sergeant First Class Lauren Lumpei, DOD Sec Level Five Stenographer.

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Portions of this Transcript have been redacted for National Security Purposes

TOP SECRET

RNCSC Eyes Only

Original Transcript

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15 MARCH 2012 ZULU 15:15:00

HCRO BY 1SGT LAUREN LUMPEI, SID#72954006

CERTIFIED SEC PROTOCOL DAR 16.

PEERLESS PARTIES PRESENT: CHAIRMAN MR. KARL ROVE, MR. DAVID KOCH, MR. CHARLES KOCH, MRS. CALLISTA GINGRICH, CO-CHAIRMAN REINCE PRIEBUS.

CHAIRMAN MR. ROVE• I know you like him, but he just looks too much like that little stiff-necked queen, Romney.

MRS. CALLISTA GINGRICH• He's smooth cute. When Newt and I were there last summer we went swimming at the beach. He's b-ball tall and he's got a body made for the girls. Far better than Scott Brown. Vanity Fair would love him to do a partial spread.

MR. DAVID KOCH• It's not just that. He's young enough to serve two terms and then he can run for Governor of Michigan or someplace, and then maybe even a Senate seat.

MR. CHARLES KOCH• Yeah, I like him, too. And he would be able to kick in some money to the campaign himself. Romney is costing a fortune in TV time and they bill me for jet fuel and cheap hookers. And don't tell me that Rupert and James are hurting now because of all that crap the parliament has dug

CHAIRMAN MR. ROVE• There's a lot dirt out there on everybody. We've been able to hold the lid on CNN and Blitzer for the time being. But that kike Blitzer's demanding a department chair. Maybe you and Chas could get old Wolfie a place at CATO?

MR. DAVID KOCH• Sure, whatever Karl. I'll do it for you... but I don't want his type in the cathedral. You know what that little hair-faced twit did? He said I haven't paid taxes since 1965. Who cares anyway since that schmuck in Treasury let

I'll pay top dollar for the Blitzer video! Remember Alsop... I want him in my pocket just like the KGB had Alsop. Hmmm, KGB PAC. Koch Gets Best PAC. What do you think, Charles?

CHAIRMAN MR. ROVE• Come on. Get focus guys. Cally, what about the wife? What did Mayor-For-Life Bloomberg tell you about her?

MRS. CALLISTA GINGRICH• Asma is a doll. She worked for J.P. Morgan as Bashie's bagman we think. She was born in England... the southern ladies will just looove the accent. And Bloomie said she has looks like a fashion model. That's gold in New York.

CHAIRMAN MR. ROVE• The guy has got a great military record. He sends terrorists to meet allah in flaming hells. He's bombed them wherever they come out of their mole holes. No quarter. It's real war for him. No mamby pamby. Just action. What was that town over there he burned up? Homus, I think. We should get him a bronze star for that.

MR. DAVID KOCH• I see he's good about small government. Only needs a well equipped army and things get done. No taxes needed. The best for business and the American dream.

MR. CHARLES KOCH• We can dig our mines wherever we want. No EPA bull. Or union bull. Davey get me another glass of Macallan's please. Karl, do you want to fly over to Miami with us? I'm going to talk to Marco and hang for a few days with real men.

CO-CHAIRMAN REINCE PRIEBUS• What about the citizenship? He's listed as being born over there.

CHAIRMAN MR. ROVE• Born in Houston in 1966. We have the county records being certified now. His Dad was there at the exact same time cutting a deal with Exxon. But if our people don't like the look of that we can arrange a record at the USAF base in Turkey. Lurch McCain was born on a base in Panama you know. Lurch made us pick up Palin, for god's sake! We're still trying to shut her up. That harpy hustler lost it for Lurch. Little Barack Sambo yanked victory from the jaws of defeat and Lurch did it by falling for

CO-CHAIRMAN REINCE PRIEBUS• Let's do it! When can I meet him? I can't wait! Can you Cally?

MRS. CALLISTA GINGRICH• Bashie's my new great guy! I can't wait to invite him to hear me play.

CO-CHAIRMAN REINCE PRIEBUS• Play what Cally? The old lickey face?

MRS. CALLISTA GINGRICH• Noooo, Reince! I play the French Horn for the orchestra downtown.

CO-CHAIRMAN REINCE PRIEBUS• Yeah, like a French kiss no doubt you petite hussy!

CHAIRMAN MR. ROVE• You two stop it! We've got a ton of work to do. Here's a photo. Get used to the look and the smile! Meeting adjourned for now. Think about how we spin him for the Mid-West dreamers.

Bashar al-Assad

President of Syria

The Next Republican President of the USA

April 1, 2012

April's Fool!